Seth | Oct 7, 2019 | 0
116 Best Dad Jokes – The only list you’ll ever need!
Cringeworthy dad jokes are part of what being a dad is all about.
And one of the best things about becoming a father is that you finally gain legal access to the world’s stash of dad jokes.
Actually, the universal union of fatherhood has opened the doors recently on dad jokes, allowing all those without kids to enjoy the fun, too.
So, whether you’re just getting your dad card or your years (or lifetimes) away from one, we’ve collected the best jokes around so you can truly fly your dorky dad/dude flag high!
When you’re looking for the all-time greatest dad joke groaners, you can’t do better than this list. These dad jokes do it all. They’re awkward, they’re uncomfortable, and they’re laugh-out-loud hysterical.
Here are the 9 best dad jokes:
1. What did the policeman say to his belly button? You’re under a vest!
Groan-worthy play on words at its best.
2. A man just attacked me with cheese and milk! How dairy.
Really make a meal out of that “dairy” at the end.
3. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
Try not to start laughing before the end of your own joke here.
4. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying? You rocket!
For those dads holding their infants.
5. What kind of music is a balloon scared of? Pop music.
No better joke for changing the radio station exists.
6. Why did the baker stop making doughnuts? He got tired of the hole thing!
A perfect joke for your morning pastry.
7. I had a pile of RAM, but I can’t quite recall where I put it. I must’ve lost my memory.
For those dads hip to that computer lingo!
8. Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? Because if they flew over the bay we’d call them bagels!
The best joke to ruin a lovely moment staring at the beauty of the sea.
9. What has four wheels and flies? A garbage truck!
We can guarantee every toddler will love this one. The rest of the world…not so much.
The reason dad jokes are so popular is because, despite their silliness, they’re genuinely pretty funny. Let’s get right to the jokes that also fit on the funniest jokes ever list. These jokes absolutely kill, even when they’re absolutely awkward.
Here are 10 funniest dad jokes ever:
10. Why did the coffee call the police? Because it got mugged.
Pour that one out over breakfast sometime.
11. My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world. I’m not buying it.
A great bit of banter…right before asking if someone else can cover the check.
12. Why can’t a nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.
Anatomical, mathematical, hysterical.
13. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
You’ll need the right accent to pull that one off.
14. The Tower of Pisa was trying hard to remain politically neutral but it was leaning too far right!
A great political joke to break up some political tension at the dinner table.
15. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.
A joke so old the dinosaurs were embarrassed by it.
16. What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!
A cute and chuckle-worthy joke to share with a girlfriend.
17. Why was the math book sad? Because it had so many problems.
Any math-phone will be a fan of this one.
18. Why can’t cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
The internet has taught us that cat jokes are always great.
19. How do you impress a baker when you’re taking his daughter on a date? Bring her flours.
Behold the perfection of the wonderfully painful dad joke.
If you charted all jokes on a Venn diagram, you’d find that dad jokes and corny jokes just about overlap a hundred percent. In other words, if you’re looking for great ones, the cornier you can get, the better. And guys, we’ve got all the best corny ones right here.
Here are 10 corny dad jokes:
20. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
A masterful, corny dad joke that really reverses expectations.
21. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
Make sure to mug to the crowd after this howler.
22. Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Accurately reported, pure corn story, right here.
23. Why was the king only a foot tall? He was a ruler.
For those dads who are also elementary school teachers.
24. I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a Fanta sea.
Soda-related humor always kills.
25. I gave all my dead batteries away today… Free of charge.
A great response to, “what did you do today?”
26. Why did the two 4’s skip lunch? They already 8!
The math—and the joke—really add up!
27. What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base? A Flat Major.
A joke for all those dad bands out there.
28. Why did the girl fall in love with the robber? Because he stole her heart.
A corny pick up line to get a date…but it can work!
29. Will glass coffins be a success? That remains to be seen.
Morbid and corny all in one dad joke!
Is there any kind of joke for a dad than knock knock jokes? We’ve put together some real classic knock knock dad jokes here, so you can amuse yourself, embarrass your kids, and get chuckles from onlookers.
Here are 11 knock-knock dad jokes:
30. Knock knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I’m here?
Perhaps the all-time classic.
31. Knock knock. Who’s there? Woo. Woo who? Don’t get so excited, it’s just a joke.
Try that out with someone in a grouchy mood.
32. Knock knock. Who’s there? Annie. Annie Who? Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
Sing the punchline for extra cringeworthy affect.
33. Knock knock. Who’s there? Cher. Cher who? Cher would be nice if you opened the door!
A knock knock for when you actually knock knock on someone’s door.
34. Knock knock. Who’s there? I love. I love who? I don’t know, you tell me!
A flirty dad joke to break the ice.
35. Knock knock. Who’s there? Value. Value who? Value be my valentine?
A charms knock knock for your crush.
36. Knock knock. Who’s there? Madam. Madam who? Madam foot got caught in the door!
A bit French, a bit vulgar, and all kinds of dad joke funny.
37. Knock knock. Who’s there? Frank. Frank who? Frank you for being my friend.
They won’t know whether to groan or hug you.
38. Knock knock. Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? I knew you were nuts!
A nutty knock knock if there ever was on.
39. Knock knock. Who’s there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you!
Start a friendship off on the right dad joke foot.
40. Knock knock. Who’s there? Owls say. Owls say who? Yes, they do.
Teach a little biology with your dad joke!
If dads could live solely on cheese, they would. Whether it’s cheese on everything they eat or the cheese in their jokes, dads absolutely thrive on the stuff. So season your dad joke catalogue with a few of these cheesy jokes.
Here are 10 cheesy dad jokes:
41. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
A great cheesy joke when you’re in the fruit aisle.
42. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Would you like some riddle with that cheese?
43. Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers!
Deploy after you grow bored discussing the wedding.
44. What’s an astronaut’s favorite part of a computer? The space bar.
In space, everyone can hear your cheesy jokes.
45. What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.
Listeners will need to wash their hands after hearing that one.
46. What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
It’s the only appropriate attire!
47. Where did Noah keep his bees? In the Ark hives.
48. Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.
They’re a very pole-itically active species.
49. Someone threw cheese at me. Real mature.
A cheesy joke about cheese, un-bree-lievable.
50. What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom? Odor in the court.
Let’s be honest, this joke plain stinks.
One of the best kind of jokes are the fairly straightforward what do you call jokes. Throw out the question, let people ponder it, and then hit them with these quick, perfect, shamefully ridiculous punchlines.
Here are 8 “What Do You Call” dad jokes:
51. What do you call an elephant that doesn’t matter? An irrelephant
What an irreverent irrelephant joke!
52. What do you call bears with no ears? A B.
A bit of spelling humor for the grammarians out there.
53. What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory!
At least it’s getting a passing grade!
54. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
This one’s a bit more creative than just an easy pun.
55. What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to? Lone-lee.
Poor old Lee, now the target of your humor.
56. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
This joke delivers the cutest mental image.
57. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator.
Well…of course you would.
58. What do you call the heavy breathing someone makes while trying to hold a yoga pose? Yoga pants.
So that’s what those are…
59. What do you call a bear with no socks on? Bare-foot.
I wouldn’t call him that to his face, though.
58. What do you call a man who spent all summer at the beach? A Tangent.
Hope he used a lot of sunscreen.
Dogs may be man’s best friend in general, but we all know they’re particularly fond of being dad’s best friend. Which is why we can be confident they won’t take any offense at a few harmless dad dog jokes that can be real howlers.
Here are 13 dad dog jokes:
59. I saw a crying dog. It was a chihuahua.
They do seem particularly melancholy canines.
60. What did the dog say to the tree? Bark.
So that’s why they say it!
61. Why aren’t dogs good dancers? They have two left feet.
A little insight into why your dog lacks rhythm.
62. Why did the dog win the storytelling contest? It knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Amazing improvement when the dog couldn’t even spell in the joke above!
63. What did the cat say to the dog? Check meow-t!
That’s a rather flirtatious feline.
64. Why did the labor commission flag the dog company? It hounded its employees.
How double-dog-dare they.
65. What does the dog day before eating? Bone appetit!
Of course he does, he’s well-bred.
66. Why do dogs float in water? Because they’re good buoys.
Such good bouys, oh yes they are!
67. What is the dog’s favorite pizza? Pupperoni.
Honestly, they’ll eat anything, but the joke’s solid regardless.
68. What is the dog’s favorite breakfast? Pooched eggs.
What a tail wagging good joke.
69. What kind of dogs like car racing? Lap dogs.
Your friends will lap this one up.
70. What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.
Eh, give them a chance, and they may surprise you on this one.
71. What is the quietest kind of a dog? A hush puppy.
Also, the most delicious kind of puppy.
There’s an assumption that dad jokes are always simple and lazy. That ignores the fact that developing a good pun is actually pretty hard work. Some dad jokes can actually also be witty jokes. Just pick a few of these to inject some wit into your dad conversation.
Here are 9 witty dad jokes:
72. SERVER: “Sorry about your wait.” DAD: “Are you saying I’m fat?”
A great tension breaker at a busy restaurant.
73. What did the chemist say when he found two new isotopes of Helium? HeHe.
Periodic table humor for those who already have great chemistry.
74. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
A delicious little joke, this.
75. I tell dad jokes but I have no kids…I’m a faux pa!
A fun pun in French: merveilleux.
76. What do you do with a dead chemist? Barium.
This joke tests just how well the listener knows their elements.
77. What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
He ought to see a dentist about that…
78. What did the mother molecule say to the child molecule? I’ve got my ion you!
This one is an atom-atic hit.
79. What word is always spelled wrong in the Dictionary? Wrong.
It’s true. Look it up.
80. Why aren’t koalas actual bears? The don’t meet the koalafications.
Zoological humor is always the life of the party.
Let’s be honest, the whole charm of these is that they’re just a little stupid. They can be witty and hysterical, but there’s something so silly about them at the same time. So, lean into that fact with some stupid jokes that really split people’s sides.
Here are 8 stupid dad jokes
81. What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
This joke goes better in pairs.
82. What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
That, and a unending, burning desire for conquest of the 100 Acre Wood.
83. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.
We wouldn’t recommend telling that to her at the time, though.
84. Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Wait till you see what the do to the carrots.
85. Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.
A dad joke so stupid…almost every dad has employed it multiple times.
86. Why doesn’t Pac-Man use Twitter? He doesn’t like being followed.
He also really hates being ghosted.
87. What’s easy to get into but hard to get out of? Trouble.
Funny, and also, sneakily wise…particularly for a stupid joke.
88. I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings…it’s a complex complex complex.
Give everyone a minute to work this one out.
89. What did Al Gore play on his guitar? An Algorithm.
A deep cut from the early 2000s.
Thanksgiving is the time when families come together across great distances to roll their eyes at the dad jokes Dad has collected over the whole year. Just pepper the family with these Thanksgiving jokes over pumpkin pie.
Here are 9 Thanksgiving dad jokes:
90. What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy.
A dad joke best served with the first course.
91. What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
Looks like it suffered a pretty harsh sentence.
92. What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving? The letter G.
Way to catch out those poor spellers in the family, Dad!
93. A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?” “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
A long dad joke to unwind over dinner.
94. What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving? Lucky.
…at least for this year.
95. Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building? Yes, of course! A building can’t jump at all.
A test to see who can think on their feet while sitting on their bums.
96. What do you call a running turkey? Fast food.
A bit of quick-witted humor for the family.
97. What was the pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.
Although it can get messy pretty quickly.
98. Why was the Thanksgiving dinner so expensive? It had 24 carrots.
‘Tis the season for dad to enjoy a bit of eggnog and test out his standup routine on a captive audience. These Christmas jokes inspire with a season of the wonder and magic of Christmas. But don’t worry, they’re just as bad as the jokes that come the rest of the year.
Here are 9 Christmas dad jokes:
99. What is a Christmas tree’s favorite candy? Ornamints.
The family will pine for the jokes to end.
100. What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? A Clausterphobic.
They’ll fear these jokes will never end.
101. What do you call a snowman with a six pack? An abdominal snowman.
What a dad joke buff you’ll prove yourself with this one.
102. What do snowmen call their offspring? Chill-dren.
A dad joke that really is cool.
103. What do ﬁsh sing during winter? Christmas corals.
Listeners will wish they could sink your dad joke passion after this groaner.
104. Why do Mummies like Christmas so much? Because of all the wrapping!
It’s mummy bling to them.
105. What’s Santa’s favorite snack food? Crisp Pringles.
Makes you wonder why he always demands cookies then…
106. What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less.
Sleigh maintenance is more expensive than you might imagine.
107. What falls but never gets hurt? Snow.
Perfect to share over a Christmas blizzard.
For most, dad jokes really are synonymous with bad jokes. After all, that’s most of the fun. The jokes are so bad, they’re absolutely hysterical. So, give everyone the gift of awful jokes by sharing all these bad dad jokes all year ’round.
Here are 9 bad dad jokes:
108. Why couldn’t the bike stand-up by itself? It was two tired.
It may have been a bit rusty before that last ride.
109. This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
You can’t say Dad’s wrong there.
110. Can February March? No, but April May!
A joke that can be told all year.
111. Why are libraries so strict? Because they have to go by the book!
Tell this one quietly…you know the rules.
112. What’s the slipperiest country? Greece.
Of course it is, being right next to Turkey.
113. Do you feel cold? Then go to the corner, there’s 90 degrees.
It’s undeniable that he’s right…at least about the angle.
114. How does a train eat? It goes chew-chew.
They’ll ride you out on a rail for this one.
115. What do you call a city powered by electricity? An Electri-city!
It’s right there in the name!
116. Why can’t Cinderella play soccer? Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Also very bad at keeping hold of her footwear.
There’s an art to picking and telling jokes. They may seem simple, but getting to the humor underneath the corniness is all about following your instincts to pick the right joke and deploy it at the right moment. To make sure your jokes are a hit, just follow these 5 steps.
Here is how to pick the best dad joke:
1. Embrace Your Inner Dad-ness
The proper response to a dad joke is to groan and moan about how awful the joke teller is at humor. Just lean into the embarrassment and awkwardness of the joke. That’s where the real fun is for everyone.
2. Know the Moment
They are great at the dinner table, with old friends, and with some good natured colleagues. There are plenty of times they aren’t appropriate. Consider when you’re telling the joke and tailor your joke choices to the location.
3. Read the Room
Dad jokes can thrive on seeming out of touch, including being a bit too un-P.C. Some people love that, others won’t like it a bit. Make sure the people you tell the jokes to are receptive. If they love it, tell more, if not, drop them.
4. A Few Go a Long Way
You don’t want to spend a whole evening telling these. You’ll wear out the patience even of those who like them. Pick a few you really like, and use them at the beginning of the conversation or in moments of transition between conversation topics.
5. But Always Have Backups
That said, make sure you’ve got a lot of backups. The only thing that really kills the dad joke is if you’ve told it a hundred times already. So, keep refreshing your stockpile to get the best reactions.
Downloadable List of Best Dad Jokes
Here’s a downloadable list of best dad Jjokes ( right click the Image and select Save Image As):
More Awesome Jokes
If you’ve exhausted the patience of friends and family over your dad lines, not to worry, we’ve got plenty of different kinds of jokes for you to serve up in every situation.
- Looking for some energetic humor to share over a cup of Joe? Try out these coffee jokes to really perk everyone up.
- Roast one of the least loved professions in the world by sharing lawyer jokes that really court favor with the masses.
- Break up the office monotony with office jokes that really help people manage their busy hours in a more amused fashion.
The best jokes are good jokes in their own right, they’re just told in a way that makes them more fun because they’re so cheesy. The dad jokes we’ve covered above manage to work on their own and still allow everyone to roll their eyes in good fun.
With such a wealth of dad jokes, all you have to do is pick the ones you love and start building up that corny dad reputation.