Many a dude dreaming of how to get out of the friend zone is really dreaming of something else: how to be an alpha male.
Often, the reason a guy is sinking in friend zone quicksand is because they have the key alpha male characteristics to pull themselves out, specifically: straight-forwardness, self-reliance, and above all, self-assured confidence.
The great news for you is that you can learn how to become an alpha male, and along the way, you can learn how to get a girlfriend out of some of those friend zone situations you're dwelling in.
It is possible to turn the tables and get women approaching you. It's possible to cut straight through the friend zone to a relationship. And today, we’re going to show you how.
Why is knowing how to be an alpha male important?
Before we think about how to be an alpha male—or even why you want to be one—we have to talk about what it means to be an alpha male.
Alpha males get a lot of flack in our culture, but that's mostly because people misunderstand what it means to be an alpha male. Alpha males aren't jerks who take advantage of people, they're just straightforward guys with the confidence to go for what they want.
You can be polite, thoughtful, considerate, and compassionate, and still be an alpha male. You just tend to be all those things as well as very successful with women and your career.
Alpha males can be the sweetest, coolest, most decent dudes in town. They can be great in relationships or great single. They can be good friends to guys and to girls. The key difference is they're in control of their relationships.
If they want some new friends, they get them. If they want a date, they find one. If they're looking for a serious relationship, they pick up a girl looking for the same thing.
In other words, you don't have to stop being a good guy to be alpha male, you just have get better at knowing what you know, communicating that, going for it, and getting it.
How To Be An Alpha Male
Sounds great, right? But how do you do it? Thankfully, learning how to be an alpha male is easier than you might think. If you just follow these steps, you'll be well on your way to living your full, alpha life.
Let's get to it.
1. Learn the Difference Between a Nice Guy and a Good Guy
The biggest reason alphas have a bad name is because when some guys learn how to be an alpha male, they don't get the distinction between being a good guy and a nice guy.
So, instead of becoming a strong, confident dude, they become a jerk. Or, sometimes, something worse.
To be clear, if you want to be an alpha, you have to figure out how to stop being a nice guy, but you don't have to stop being good guy.
The difference is key: a good guy does what's right, a nice guy tries not to offend anyone. An alpha will break off a relationship if it isn't working, a nice guy will stick around just because he doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
You can be an alpha and still make a point of treating women right, as well as friends, family, and strangers. But when you do it, you do it because it's the right thing to do it, not because you don't want people mad at you.
See the difference?
Pro Tip. This Is Why Nice Guys Finish Last
You know by now that nice guys finish last, but why is that? The reason is that alphas see what they want and go for it, and nice guys beat around the bush and hope people give them what they want without being asked.
If a nice guy and alpha both see a cute girl in a bar, the nice guy may work up the courage to try to engage her in a long chat and hope she picks up that he's interested. An alpha will go up to her and tell her just how feels. Most girls like that straightforward, confident approach. That's why he gets the girl.
2. Understand what it means to be a bad boy
You've heard it a million times: girls love bad boys. And here you are, Mr. Nice stuck in the friend zone, hearing all about it.
So, you know the reasons to be a bad boy already, even if you don't know how to pull it off. Or maybe, you don't want to pull it off. After all, you're nice.
If we teach you anything in this article, it should be that nice doesn't pay off. But again, you don't have to be a jerk to be a bad boy, you just have to know what you want and put that first.
A bad boy is really an independent boy. It's a guy with a full life outside of a relationship, so when he goes into a date or a relationship he knows what he wants out of it and where it ranks on his priorities. Then, he communicates that upfront and lives by it throughout.
Sometimes, when a girl is really into a bad, independent boy, and he moves on when it conflicts with what he wants in life, he comes off in a bad light. But if you do this in the right way, you'll still be a good guy, even when you're the bad guy.
3. Don’t Fold
So here’s the thing in how to become an alpha male. In today's world the expectations are high. Guys are feeling the pressure.
They feel expected to have brains like Sherlock, a sense of humor like Mr. Bean, a body like Superman and Money like Bill Gates (maybe not Bill Gates but you get the point). And while those are all great aspirations that guys should try to pursue to some degree, it’s easy to get obsessive, and start focusing too much on what you don’t have... while forgetting what you do have and what the things that make you a standout.
And it’s exactly that that gets to the heart of what it means to be an alpha, and an unexpected quality that women will chase down: Contentment.
4. Get Comfortable with Your Self
Want to know one quality that the alpha definitely doesn’t have? Entitlement. And the reason why is because by definition, you can’t be an alpha if you have to rely on others to succeed. But how exactly do women notice an appealing, self-reliant nature? After all, self-reliance is really just a mindset. And the thing about mindsets, is that you can’t really see them unless there’s action and behavioral changes that reflect that mindset.
The good news is that it’s not hard to appear completely, totally, alpha-level independent. Here’s how you start on how to become an alpha male: Guys who do the little things you hear about every day have a leg up: Staying groomed, wearing the right clothes, and staying in shape all easily convey a self-sufficiency that women can’t ignore.
On a bigger and slightly more philosophical scale, doing anything that allows you to forge your own path and make your own decisions, is an undeniably attractive quality of alpha-types that girls will always seek out.
5. Change The Game
Whether it’s by constantly trying to show guys up or knocking them down a peg, most guys who want to be alpha males do it all wrong by always trying to compete with other men.
Now, we’re not gonna say that you shouldn’t know how you measure up against the competition, because that’s just human nature, and you can’t get better, if you don’t really know what’s “good.” But guys who are alpha males don’t really dwell on how they compare to others and they sure as heck don’t have to make other people feel worse, to feel better about themselves. And it’s that mentality... that girls (or anybody really) cannot ignore. And the reason for that is because it shows what might be the most alpha quality of them all: Security.
By not playing the game that every other guy is playing, you get to show off restraint and an absence of the common insecurity most guys have, which are two things that instantly make any guy come off like a chase worthy alpha male.
6. Know What You Know
“True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.” That’s a quote from a thinking guy you may have heard of, Lil Pump. Just kidding... it’s from Socrates. If you’re among the 50% of people everywhere with average or above average intelligence, you’re pretty smart. You’re smarter than at least half the people out there. And that’s pretty good.
Now, if brains equaled alpha, we’d have a whole lot of unbeatable alphas outsmarting everybody at every turn, but we don’t. So why is that? Because while intelligence can propel a guy into alpha status, it’s not enough by itself. The missing ingredient? Humility.
Obviously, intelligence is desirable quality. There’s no disputing that. Women love it, and everybody should try to not be a dummy. But intelligence + humility... is a rare combination that most smart guys aren’t going to have. And it’s that combination... that puts a guy into true 90th percentile unicorn alpha status.
So if you think you’ve got what it takes to be the smart alpha... know what you don’t know. Take advice. Accept criticism. Keep an open mind and admit when you should listen. You’ll gain respect from everyone, have expertise coupled with real confidence, and have girls chasing you all over the place.
7. Trust Your Gut
On the other side of the intelligence coin, is the ability to know when to follow your instincts.
Think about this for a second. When most people imagine an “alpha,” they probably think of a guy with good instincts. The ability to make quick decisions, act fast and speak with assertiveness are all qualities that are not only valued in society (literally), but they’re pretty irresistible to girls.
Now, that doesn’t mean you should just start winging it in everything you do. Making faster decisions that you can stick to... takes practice. And the ability to do it well, is only attainable through trial-and-error. So start small and keep the stakes low.
Practice your decision-making abilities by dealing with the little negotiations you encounter every day: Choose what you want to eat, the movie you want to watch, or what you want to do that day. It might not seem like much, but this little bit of training will carry over to other parts of your life, and have the awesome, underappreciated side effect of putting girls in the hot seat by making them have to keep up with you.
8. Knowing How Talk To Girls
You can start by chipping away at one of the main weaknesses that holds alphas back: The need to please everyone during conversation.
When many guys learn how to start a conversation with a girl, they're taught to be as nice and agreeable as possible. That's why we refer to this as the nice guy approach: Don’t ruffle any feathers as you talk to people, and you’ll be OK. People will like you... ESPECIALLY girls. Except that’s all wrong.
If you want respect from others, and if you want girls to look at you differently, you’ve got to put your neck out there in your conversations with them. In other words, you have to learn how to talk to girls in an honest and direct way.
There are two reasons why this works: You show you’re a normal person. You show you’re confident.
Even if they don’t know how to respond at first, girls ultimately really like seeing that a guy has opinions of his own, or weird things to say, or whatever. Why? Because that’s normal.
Girls don’t like guys who are oddly agreeable. Because really, what are the chances you see eye to eye on everything? That mentality alone will be irresistibly refreshing to girls, and the confidence that comes with it? Well that just seals the deal and it’s something that no non-alpha can ever fake.
9. Be Calm In The Chaos
Here’s another piece of advise on how to become an alpha male, be the center of attention through life, people, including girls, will expect you to meet their panic or their sense of urgency. And at times, they’ll be upset when you don’t.
Now, this can get you in trouble if you can’t back up your calm demeanor with real action. If you can’t also make things better, people will interpret your cool head as you freezing and folding under pressure.
Alphas don’t make themselves loud and obnoxious to put on a show. The loudest one in the room is typically the weakest. He’s after attention. To every one who sees him, he’s unable to be the leader. He’s not up for it, he doesn’t want to do it. Why? Because to lead you’ve got to be able to keep your composure, even when people around you almost wish that you’d match their stress levels.
10. Leverage Language
Now before you think you’ve got to be rich or incredibly attractive to make this happen, think again. Because there’s one alpha skill that regularly beats out money or good looks: Charisma.
Yep, charisma. Alright, but how do we show girls we’re charismatic? We’re glad you asked. All charisma really is, is the ability to captivate an audience by non-verbal communication. Which means, it’s something that everybody can get better at with a little practice.
Non-verbal communication is important in this situation because quite simply: A girl can’t “see” how interesting you are through your words, but she “can” see how interesting you are through things like body language, facial expressions or eye contact. So if you want to get a girl to not just look at you, but walk up to you and say hi: Just start using your body to add emphasis to what you say.
11. Save Some Story
Looking to keep girls chasing you? Then you’ve got to always give them something to pursue.
One thing that alpha males have is a continuous supply of intrigue, in other words, there always seems to be more than meets the eye to the alpha. Not only are they not boring, but they leave girls always wanting more.
This is important because once a girl has you figured out, she gets used to you. And girls don’t chase things that they’re used to. They don’t need to know what normal is.
So to prevent that from happening, don’t be the one who reveals everything about himself right at the beginning. Not only will it keep the interest flowing, but it will also show girls that you don’t feel the need to sell yourself to them right off the bat.
12. Learn alpha male body language tricks
A lot of the advice above is all about how you talk to a girl. And a large part of how to be an alpha male comes down to how you talk. If you can communicate in a straight, confident, amusing way, you're most of the way towards being an alpha.
Yet, that doesn't get yo all the way. The reason for that is, we communicate with more than our words, we communicate with our bodies. And when we're communicating with women, our bodies are obviously a big part of the conversation.
So, put some time into learning some alpha male body language tricks. Some of this is as simple as standing up and sitting up straight, while other tricks are more subtle, like putting your hands behind your back and pushing your chest out slightly while standing, which shows confidence, strength, and a bit of subconscious courage.
Putting some extra time into getting your body language right can make a lot of difference to how well you sell the confidence and purpose in your words.
Signs you're an alpha male
Some of you reading this post are just nodding along, checking off every step as already accomplished. What does that mean? Congratulations, you're probably already an alpha male.
There are plenty of signs you're an alpha male, one of which is that the advice in this article all seems painfully obvious to you. You're already honest and direct with people, super confident in yourself, and filling your time with some awesome manly hobbies that keep you independent and in touch with who you are and what you want.
Just because you're an alpha doesn't mean all your problems will go away. You may still need some extra advice (such as the posts we'll cover below), but your problems definitely aren't alpha-related.
If you still aren't sure just how alpha you are, be sure to read the linked post above. But if your gut is telling you that you've got this, you probably do.
5 Life Changing Alpha Male Mindset
5. The Growth Mindset
Remember when you were a little kid? You probably believed some things that, in hindsight, seem a little... ridiculous.
Maybe you believed you could dig a tunnel to the other side of the world… or that if you didn’t forward that email from Grandma you’d have 7 years bad luck.
But as you grew up, you learned better… you did learn better, right?
Well, the first alpha male mindset you need to master is all about growth, hence the name The Growth Mindset.
Termed by Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck, the growth mindset refers to the idea that you can always keep growing, learning, and improving.
See, a lot of people believe they are who they are and there’s nothing they can do about it. This is one of the biggest mistakes nice guys make.
But developing a growth mindset makes it possible for you to improve every area of your life, and keeps you from beating yourself up when you fail.
And women are looking for a man who wants to grow as a person, not a lowlife who gave up.
4. True Grit
Part of developing a growth mindset means changing the way you respond to adversity.
Now, maybe your life is easy, and you’ve never had to struggle. But for the other 99% of us, learning how to deal with hard times is absolutely essential.
Life is full of difficult situations, but you don’t need me to tell you that. You’ve probably got a whole list of sh-... uhh, stuff making your life harder than it needs to be.
Now it seems to me you’ve got a choice. You can either run from difficult situations, which is a stereotypical trait of nice guys... or you can view those situations as opportunities to become a smarter, tougher version of yourself.
So don’t be the Nice Guy and instead, grit your teeth and face your problems head-on. You might just realize there’s more to you than you thought.
Developing a True Grit mindset won’t make your struggle easier, but it will give you the strength to push through. As the old saying goes, “when you’re going through hell… keep going.”
What’s on the other side of hell, you ask? Women looking for men who can handle the heat.
…. Sorry, what were we talking about? My mind was somewhere else.
Oh right, mindfulness - the practice of being mentally present in the moment. We all have a tendency to let our minds wander.
And while yes, letting your mind wander off and do its own thing for a bit can give you a creativity boost or help you entertain yourself when you’re bored, being present and focused on the moment - especially in social situations - is just as important.
You remember that perfect comeback you thought of 2 weeks too late? Or the time you couldn’t think of anything to say to a girl and ended up boring her to death?
Mindfulness can help with that.
See, being present in the moment makes you fully aware of your surroundings, and you can read and respond to emotions much more accurately. But it takes practice, right Beardy?
Precisely, Kay. Listen, fellas. Mindfulness is something that doesn’t come naturally to me.
My thoughts are always somewhere else, and while it’s good to be reflective of the past and to plan for the future,
I’ve had to learn how to divide my time into moments of thoughtfulness and moments of mindfulness.
And one of the ways I got better at mindfulness was by practicing it during my daily routine.
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Being mindful during that simple routine is one of the simplest everyday hacks for men, but it can have one of the biggest impacts.
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2. The Narrative Voice
I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that more than a few of you guys are big TV fans. I mean, we’re living in the platinum age of television.
Hell, there are more YouTube channels dissecting every second of every trailer of the next Marvel movie than there are spam posts in our comments section.
But here’s my point: Humans love talking about stories - what makes them good or bad, exciting or boring.
But what if we spent the same amount of time thinking of our own lives like a story? If your life was a story, would it be a good one?
Here’s a spoiler… It won’t be if it’s not interesting.
So start thinking like the narrator of your own story. Live an interesting life and share it in a way that makes people want to hear it.
So face your fears. Go do that thing you’ve been wanting to do but never have. Go out of town on the weekends. Just do something that will give you a story to tell!
Because living a life that would make a good story is one of the easiest ways to make a girl crazy for you.
And if you have some good stories, what woman wouldn’t want to play a supporting role in future ones?
1. The Not-So-Secret Admirer
Alphas... As a group, we get a bad rep for being a little too full of ourselves.
And if we’re being honest, that’s fair. But one of the best ways I’ve found to responsibly wield that all-consuming confidence I feel at every moment of every day... Is to show my appreciation for other people.
If I think someone is funny, I tell them. If someone teaches me something cool, I let them know I appreciate it. And if I admire a personality trait or characteristic of a girl, I let her know.
See, everyone loves feeling appreciated. And showing your admiration for others displays your confidence while simultaneously giving credit where credit is due.
In other words, if you tell people that you like specific things about them, they’ll appreciate the compliment and end up liking you more.
Just remember: Just because you give a woman a compliment, that doesn’t mean she’s obligated to give you anything in return, like her phone number.
Thinking you’re owed something for simply being nice is a typical Nice Guy move.
So instead… Just be a Good Dude and give people compliments that you actually mean and don’t expect anything in return for.
It’s one of the most important tricks to get girls to chase you that you need to start working on today… But it’s not really a trick… It’s an Alpha male mindset.
The Number One Mindset to Ditch Today
Alright gentlemen, let’s think back to the first item on our list.
Right, so the opposite of the growth mindset and the first mindset you need to abandon is the fixed mindset.
That’s the frame of mind that says you’ll never be any smarter, and more confident or any healthier than you are now.
The fixed mindset is a mindset people tend to adopt when they’re going through rough times or dealing with depression.
And once you’re trapped in the fixed mindset, it can be very hard to crawl back out of it.
But if you ever want to be better than you are now, you have to try to be better every single day, no matter how hard it is.
Even something as simple as throwing out the empty beer cans on your desk is a step out of the fixed mindset, and a step towards a more attractive, more alpha male mindset.
More Awesome Ways To Be An Alpha
Learning how to be an alpha male takes more than a single post of advice, but we've got you covered. Check out these great articles to tune in further to your alpha side:
- End the mystery and start understanding women, so both of you can get what you want out of every interaction.
- Learn where to meet women so you can practice what you're learning.
- Take a glance at our list of hobbies for men, so you can further engage with your inner manly mantelligence.
With the advice above, you can definitely learn how to be an alpha male that knows what he wants and usually gets it. For those guys out there who always seem to lose the girl to the cooler, more confident dude, there is finally some hope.
Now that you know how to become an alpha male, the answers to your questions about how to get a girlfriend and how to get out of the friend zone should become easier to answer. Be direct, be charming, be honest, and above all, be confident.
With a little work on your instincts, your wardrobe, and your overall body language, you'll soon find you've got a whole new set of problems. Namely, how do you keep all these girls off of you?