Seth | Oct 31, 2019 | 0
346 Best Bad Dad Jokes – A list so bad they’re good!
When you really think about it, there’s not much difference between bad dad jokes and corny jokes.
Really, if the jokes are bad enough, you know a dad would be happy to share them.
Whether you’re a new dad getting into his comedic groove, an old hand at the dad stuff looking to sharpen up his cheesy punchlines, or just a guy looking to indulge in comedy’s worst—and best—kind of humor, we’ve got all the best bad dad jokes for you, right here.
When you are on the lookout for the biggest, baddest, worst dad jokes on the planet, you have to start with the best. These are pure, unadulterated bad dad jokes, designed in a lab a mile under the earth and rigorously tested to radiate everyone with wonderful, awful humor.
Here are the 17 best bad dad jokes:
1. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Try this one out with your tired partner during a missed nap time. Then duck.
2. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
3. What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
4. I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know
5. What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language.
They’re laughing, really, just…silently.
6. A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A truly arrrrgh-ful joke.
7. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
8. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
9. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
10. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together.
A joke sure to get a chilly reception.
11. Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut.
12. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
A joke that really Fall’s flat in the autumn.
13. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.
At least they have a nose…
14. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
15. What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
16. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro. It’s a total rip-off.
17. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
A joke that doesn’t just kill, it buries.
People love corny jokes. If they didn’t love them, would they really spend so much time around you? So, get to work plowing through these bad but corny dad jokes and see what reactions pop up!
Here are 19 bad corny dad jokes:
18. What do you call a mac ‘n’ cheese that gets all up in your face? Too close for comfort food!
19. What concert costs just 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback!
No wonder. Who’s buying the tickets at that exorbitant price?
20. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
21. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
22. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired!
Another joke sure to fall flat…in just the right way.
23. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere!
This one is sure to suck the oxygen out of the room.
24. What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee fish!
25. Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!
26. What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
27. What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle? Attire!
This joke really takes you for a ride.
28. Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.
29. I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
A naturally, un-beaver-ably funny joke.
30. If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
31. Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
32. A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
33. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
Security question: “what is like a box of chocolates?”
34. CASHIER: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?” DAD: “No, just leave it in the carton!’”
35. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
Aw, that’s sweet.
36. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Knock knock. “Who’s there?” “Groan.” “Groan who?” “You’re groan to love these terribly bad dad knock knock jokes.”
Here are 15 bad knock knock dad jokes:
Estelle waiting for you to open this door!
38. Knock knock. Who’s there? Control Freak. Con— Okay, now you say, “Control Freak who?!”
Doughnut be afraid. It’s just me.
40. Knock knock. Who’s there? Egg. Egg who? Eggstremely disappointed you still don’t recognize me.
You can’t beat this joke.
41. Knock knock.
Dee Wilson who?
They’ll hate you even more for getting that song stuck in their heads.
42. Knock knock.
That’ll really cut them up.
43. Knock knock.
The Grammar Police.
*ahem* Technically, “who” is more correct here…
Bee Hive who?
Bee Hive yourself!
They’ll be buzzing about this one for weeks.
Cattle Drive Who?
My Cattle Drive your dog crazy!
The Ghost who?
The Ghost is clear; you can come out!
47. Knock, knock
They’ll wooly love this one.
48. Knock, knock.
49. Knock Knock.
50. Knock, knock!
A great one to use whether you’re butting heads or kidding around.
51. Knock, knock.
Christmas has plenty of down time after the presents are open and before anyone’s ready for dinner. How do you fill that time? This year, fill it with terribly bad dad Christmas jokes that will make everyone wish they’d stayed in their room for the holidays!
Here are 15 bad Christmas dad jokes:
52. What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat? Hits a gnome and runs.
53. Why did Frosty ask for a divorce? His wife was a total flake.
That’s cold, Frosty.
54. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa? A Christmas quacker.
55. Why do mummies like Christmas so much? They’re into all the wrapping.
56. How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit? Nurse them back to elf.
57. What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs? Anything you want. He can’t hear you!
Bet your audience wishes they got ear muffs for Christmas.
58. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish.
59. What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
This one will really melt their hearts.
60. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
61. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
Let’s just hope he doesn’t crash Kringle.
62. What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
63. How does a sheep say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!
64. What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Frosted Flakes!
A joke for those cereal bad dad joke offenders.
65. Why did the Christmas tree go to the barber? It needed to be trimmed!
66. What kind of photos do elves take? Elfies!
If you are committed to telling bad dad jokes, you have to be willing to look stupid. All the humor comes from that. So, embrace the stupidity and share it with everyone with these stupid jokes!
Here are 15 stupid bad dad jokes:
67. What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
This joke’s got them all beat.
68. How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas? He felt his presents!
69. Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn’t change color? He had a reptile dysfunction.
There’s a pill for that now.
70. I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.
71. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
72. What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
73. What sound does a witches car make? Broom Broom
74. To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
Surely you Excel in your detective skills.
75. What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAIINS!”
Only if they’re organic.
76. How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
77. What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
78. Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He’s fully recovered.
This one really stitches them up.
79. Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarter back.
80. What kind of egg did the evil chicken lay? A deviled egg.
81. Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
That jokes nothing to sneeze at.
Dads love birthdays, not for the celebrations but because birthdays come with bad dad birthday jokes. Don’t let your family down! Make sure you’ve got the worst dad jokes on hand to ruin everyone’s birthday this year!
Here are 14 bad dad birthday jokes:
82. I always feel warm on my birthday because people don’t stop toasting me.
…They may stop now.
83. Where do you get a birthday present for your cat? From a cat-alogue.
84. What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye, matey!
85. How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish the moment.
86. What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake.
You know where they serve deviled eggs.
87. I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
88. What did the bald guy say when he was given a comb for his birthday? Thanks, I’ll never part with it.
You can’t just brush this one off.
89. What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake.
90. Doctor, doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Try taking the candles off.
That’s a real hot take.
91. Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest.
92. Why do candles always go on the top of cakes? Because it’s hard to light them from the bottom.
93. Why did the girl put her cake in the freezer? She wanted to ice it.
94. Why did the cupcake go to the doctor’s office? It was feeling crumby.
It must have been falling apart.
95. Does a green candle burn longer than a pink one? No, they both burn shorter.
There’s no better source of humor than getting old, and now that you’re telling bad dad jokes, you can get away with these old people jokes that you couldn’t before. Because, you know, you’re old now. Sorry.
Here are 14 bad dad old people jokes:
96. An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
Well, that’ll make for a nice change.
97. I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work…I want to achieve it through not dying.
Spoken like a true old coot.
98. I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
Wise…and unsettling all at once!
99. At my age, flowers scare me.
100. He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
101. Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
102. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
A statement that is always true.
103. True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
104. You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
105. Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
True and depressing all at once!
106. Where should old people look for glasses? A: On their forehead.
107. I’m youthful on a basic level. Somewhat more seasoned in different spots.
108. May you live to be old to the point that your driving scares individuals.
A wonderful blessing for birthdays.
109. When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick.
Because dogs are man’s best friend, they are also the butt of many of our jokes. I’m sure your dogs won’t mind these bad dad dog jokes, but just in case…make sure you tell them out of their hearing.
Here are 15 bad dad dog jokes:
110. I was going to tell a joke about dogs but I felt it was a little far-fetched.
They’ll flea away when they hear this one.
111. What did the hungry Dalmation say when he had some kibble? That hit the spot!
112. What did the dog say to the tree? Bark.
113. What do you call a dog with a surround system? A sub-woofer.
That’s a real howler.
114. What did the dog say to the sandpaper? Ruff!
115. Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
116. What’s more amazing than a talking dog? A spelling bee.
117. How do you stop a dog from barking in your front yard? Put him in your backyard!
All dog owners know the truth behind this one!
118. What kind of dog keeps the best time? A watchdog.
119. What kind of dog chases anything red? A bull dog.
120. What do you get when you try to cross a pit bull with a computer? A lot of bites.
121. What kind of dog eats with his ears? They all do. I haven’t seen a single dog remove their ears before tucking in.
A true master of observation came up with this one.
122. What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler? Anything you like, just very quietly.
123. What do you get when you cross a Doberman and a hyena? No idea, but if it laughs, I join in.
124. What do you mean, my dog was chasing a guy on a bike? My dog doesn’t ride a bike!
We’ve all heard some x walks into a bar jokes in our time, and we all know, categorically, that those jokes are terrible. And that makes them perfect fodder for bad dad jokes.
Here are 9 bad walks into a bar dad jokes:
125. So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey. This is a singles bar.”
Well, that jokes makes for a nice change.
126. A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.” A time traveler walks in a bar…
127. E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
This joke can seem a little discordant.
128. Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other, “It’s hot in here.” The other snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
129. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk not a bar. No joke.
130. A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?” The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”
Now, that’s a corny joke!
131. A guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm. He asks for one beer, and one for the road.
132. Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar. “Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”
133. What did the Bartender say when two jumper cables walk into a bar. “You guys better not start anything in here.”
You might spark some conversation with this one.
Since the beginning of time, military jokes have been popular. After all, so long as the world has need militaries, the world has been finding humor in them. Whether you’re a Major Dad or just love a good army joke, march a few of these bad dad military jokes out with some friends.
Here are 10 bad military dad jokes:
134. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160? A Platoon
135. What Do You Call a Soldier Who Survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray? A Seasoned Veteran.
Awful…and yet, a pretty tasty punchline.
136. How does the Air Force Play Bingo? B-52 F-16 A-10.
137. Did You Hear About The Accident at the Army Base? A tank ran over a box of popcorn and killed two kernels
Tell this when your military buddies are getting salty.
138. What do you call a young army? Infantry.
139. I used to be an artist in the army but I kept drawing enemy fire.
140. When I was in the army, I got my arms shot off. But I shouldered on anyway.
141. Those who aim torpedoes are always ready to press charges.
You’ll sink the whole conversation with this one.
142. Did you hear about the idiotic karate champion who joined the army? The first time he saluted, he knocked himself out.
He gave himself a “hi-ya” five.
143. Where are my camouflage pants?
For some, Easter is a holy day. For others, it’s an excuse to hunt eggs and eat chocolate. For you, it’s a chance to try out your new comedy routine. Make sure you are never short of material by hunting down the best Easter jokes we’ve got here.
Here are 13 bad Easter dad jokes:
144. How do you know the Easter Bunny is really smart? Because he’s an egghead.
He’s also a bit cracked, like this joke.
145. Where does the Easter Bunny get his eggs? From Eggplants.
146. What happened to the Easter Bunny when he misbehaved at school? He was eggspelled!
Now he’ll never get into collegg!
147. Why do we paint Easter eggs? Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!
148. Why did the Easter egg hide? He was a little chicken!
149. What do you get if you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole? A hot cross bunny
150. What do you call Easter when you are hopping around? Hoppy Easter!
You can skip this one.
151. What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day’s work? Tired.
152. How did the soggy Easter Bunny dry himself? With a hare dryer!
153. What do you call a sleepy Easter egg? Eggs-austed.
He won’t awake until he sees the sunny side up again.
154. Why are bunnies the luckiest animals? Because they each have four rabbits’ feet!
155. What do you call an Easter egg from outer space? Egg-stra terrestrial.
156. How does the Easter Bunny travel? By hare-plane.
Is that a rabbit enough form of travel for him?
You know how grumpy you feel when you need coffee? What if, instead of getting a great cup of joe, you got a bunch of terrible coffee jokes instead? Sure, that’s infuriating, but it’s also super fun…at least for the joke teller.
Here are 11 bad coffee dad jokes:
157. What did the coffee addict say to his doctor? I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Try this one while in line for your third espresso.
158. What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion? I asked for coffee.
159. Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it was mugged.
160. How does a coffee lover hit on a woman? I’ve been thinking about you a latte.
A great way to espresso your feelings.
161. What do you call a sad cup of coffee? Depresso.
162. How does Moses make his coffee? Hebrews it.
Jewish you had a cup now?
163. What did the caffeine addict name his cats? Cream and Sugar.
Apparently, neither one was black.
164. What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee? Java the Hut!
165. How do you make Pig Jerky? Give them some coffee.
166. What’s the opposite of coffee? Sneezy.
Coffee was definitely the perkiest of the seven dwarves.
167. Honey, this coffee tastes like garbage. That’s not surprising, it’s from the garbage.
Some careers are obvious targets for dad jokes, and perhaps the easiest one is lawyers. Law is an almost universally despised profession, which makes it easy for dads to get away with some great lawyer jokes. I mean, what is a lawyer going to do when he hears you repeat these, sue you?
Here are 12 bad dad lawyer jokes:
168. What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A doberman pinscher.
Say this as you release the hounds.
169. What separates witnesses from the lowest form of life on earth? The wooden partitions around the witness stand.
170. How many lawyer jokes are there, anyway? Only three. The rest are true stories.
171. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
A better lawyer would have pinned it one someone else!
172. A man sued an airline company after it mislaid his luggage.
173. Arguing with a lawyer is like wrestling a pig in mud… Sooner or later you realize that they like it.
Ew…but probably true…
174. How do you get a group of personal injury lawyers to smile for a picture?
175. A man is innocent until proven broke.
The American legal system, ladies and gentlemen.
176. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure do,” replied the bartender.
How the law works in Florida.
177. What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school? An offer you can’t understand.
178. What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand? Not enough sand.
179. What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 60?? “Your Honor.”
If bad dad jokes are actually welcome anywhere, it’s probably the office. The day is just so boring and monotonous, your colleagues may look forward to your obnoxious office jokes. So, keep these in your pocket and toss them out around the water cooler.
Here are 12 bad dad office jokes:
180. When an employment application asks who is to be notified in case of an emergency, I always write, ‘A very good doctor’.
Funny and sound advice.
181. When my boss asked me who is the stupid one – him or me – I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people.
So much better than the “I’m with Stupid” shirt.
182. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
183. The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
184. Boss: ‘How can we keep the office clean?’ Me: ‘By staying at home.’
Only works if they haven’t seen your house.
185. Someone has stolen my Microsoft Office, and they are going to pay for it… You have my Word.
186. I don’t mind coming to work; it’s the eight-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.
If only the job was just the commute.
187. Why doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job? He still ends up with the same boss.
188. Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
189. Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
190. Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
191. Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Best keep the knives away, then.
If there’s one place you don’t want to be bad, it’s church. And yet, if there’s one place where you could really use some bad dad jokes to liven up the place…it’s also church. What a dilemma.
Here’s the solution: tell the church jokes now, and get forgiveness later. That way you can kill and still get saved.
Here are 11 bad dad church jokes:
192. What time of day was Adam created? Just a little before Eve.
193. Who was the fastest runner in the race? Adam. He was first in the human race.
Not much of a race, was it?
194. Why did the unemployed man get excited while reading his Bible? He thought he saw a job.
195. How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman? By his net income.
Also, he knew a guy who couple multiply fish. Useful.
196. Do photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Sure to get a few, “bless your hearts.”
197. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark? Because Noah was standing on the deck
198. What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler.
199. Why couldn’t Jonah trust the ocean? Because he knew there was something fishy about it.
This one hits right down in the belly.
200. How long did Cain hate his brother? As long as he was Abel.
201. How do groups of angels greet each other? Halo, halo, halo.
202. What kind of alcohol do you find in church? Holy spirits!
Make sure you brought enough to sherri.
The most perfect joke harmony in the world is the combination of bad dad jokes and cheesy jokes into a single, awful punchline. If you were really looking for jokes that might lose you friendships they’re so bad…you’ve found them!
Here are 14 cheesy bad dad jokes:
203. At work, we have a printer we’ve nicknamed Bob Marley. It’s always jammin’.
Does it get anymore dad joke than this?
204. A Dad walks into a bookstore and says, “ Can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, sir, which one? Dad: William.
Don’t want any of those Chad Shakespeare books.
205. Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely unnoticed.
206. I’ll never date another apostrophe. The last one was too possessive.
207. What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella? A cheesy pick-up line.
Amazingly, this is a great pickup line on its own.
208. England doesn’t have a kidney bank. But it does have a Liverpool.
209. What do you call a fly without wings? A walk.
210. Without geometry life is pointless.
Oh, don’t be a square.
211. What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An Orca-stra!
212. Orion’s Belt is a huge waist of space.
213. I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
214. I’m thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland. The flag is a big plus.
215. I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
I mustache you to laugh at this one.
216. A backwards poet writes inverse.
No one gives dads more material than blondes. Which is why dads will never accept that these blonde jokes have no correspondence with reality. For the bad dad joke crowd, all that matters is that somewhere, someone is ditzy and blonde enough for these jokes to ring true.
Here are 11 bad dad blonde jokes:
217. Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?” The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”
218. Q: Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
We should be proud she knew what a phone was.
219. A robber comes into the store & steals a TV. A blonde runs after him and says, “Wait, you forgot the remote!”
220. What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? “Omg, donut seeds!”
221. Why did the blonde tip toe near the medicine cabinet? Because she didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!!
No one can say she’s not thoughtful…sort of.
222. Why did the blonde put her iPad in a blender? Because she wanted to make apple juice.
223. What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech? A blonde at a flashing red light.
224. How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? M&M shells on the floor.
225. How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
Just getting the raking done a few seasons early.
226. How do you confuse a blonde? That is impossible. They’re already born that way.
227. A blonde girl says to her friend, “I think Bill is cheating on me. I’m no longer even sure the kids are mine.”
There’s always something witty about a bad dad joke. After all, puns do take a bit of work, but these witty jokes actually elevate your dad jokes to another level. That won’t make anyone actually respect you, but at least you can feel a little pride in your work!
Here are 14 witty bad dad jokes:
228. Why do bananas need sunscreen? Because they peel.
229. I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
Well, that escalated quickly.
230. Son: Where are my sunglasses? Dad: I don’t know…where are my dad glasses?
231. You shouldn’t kiss anyone on January 1st because it’s only the first date.
At least don’t kiss them on the month.
232. Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
233. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
234. What time is it? I don’t know. It keeps changing.
235. Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Its very time-consuming.
There’s the ring of truth about this one.
236. Is there a hole in your shoe? No… Then how’d you get your foot in it?
237. What do you call a million rabbits walking backwards? A receding hareline!
They’ll be all ears to hear this one.
238. Every night at 11:11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.
239. I saw you frequent that bar that one time.
240. The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.
In the age of Google, we all know the truth of this.
241. I want to see something with the clothed eye.
Believe it or not, bad dad jokes can be placed amongst the funniest jokes ever. No, really. After all, when you pick jokes from this list, you’re dealing with the highest quality bad jokes out there. And there’s really nothing funnier than stinking awful humor.
Here are 14 funniest bad dad jokes ever:
242. Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage.
243. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
244. How many lips does a flower have? Tu-lips.
245. What do elves do after school? Their gnome work.
246. Which hand is better to write with? Neither, it’s better to write with a pen.
Been doing it wrong all my life.
247. I sold my vacuum cleaner, it was just gathering dust.
248. Not sure if you have noticed, but I love bad puns. That’s just how eye roll
249. Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music? He’ll be Bach.
Come with me if you want to Liszt.
250. The rotation of earth really makes my day.
251. Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.
252. My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I just don’t see the point.
He’ll need to get the lead out.
253. My wife asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it into the ocean. I don’t know why she’s mad at me.
254. I love my furniture. My recliner and I go way back.
255. 6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.
Dads love pirates. After all, they’re old, corny, and easy to laugh at…just like dads. So, tell a few of these pirate jokes, me matey, and see if you can’t get a few yo-hos from the crowd.
Here are 13 bad pirate dad jokes:
256. What does a dyslexic pirate say?
257. Why does it take pirates so long to learn the alphabet?
Just wait til they get to R.
258. Where can ye find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
259. How do ye turn a pirate furious?
260. Have you heard about the new pirate movie? It’s rated AARRRRGGH!
261. what’s a pirate’s second-choice job? An arrrrrrchitect!
262. How did the pirate stop smoking? He used the patch!
They’ve got this one pegged.
263. What is piratophobia? Fear of a sunken chest!
264. What subject are pirates best at at school? Arrrrt.
Time would be better spent in swimming class.
265. How did the pirate become a boxing champion so fast? Nobody was ready to take on his right hook.
266. It always struck me as odd that the Pirates of the Caribbean DVD had a piracy warning.
Should be piracy encouraging.
267. To err is human. To arr is seriously pirate.
268. How do pirates communicate with each other? With an Aye phone.
What do you call “what do you call jokes” that are also bad dad jokes? Hysterical.
Here are 11 bad what do you call dad jokes:
269. What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator
270. What do you call a baby monkey? A: A Chimp off the old block.
271. What do you call a fat psychic? A: A four chin teller.
272. What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Someone like you would tell that joke.
273. What do you call a computer that sings? A: A-Dell
274. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A: a thesaurus.
I’ll have to check that one with the dictionary.
275. What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer!
276. What do you call having your grandma on speed dial? A: Instagram.
277. What do you call an illegally parked frog? A: Toad.
278. What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A: A Yamahahaha
279. What do you call a fish without an eye? Fsh.
This one stinks.
New years is a time to make sure you start everything off on the right foot. Instead, scrap that, and tell a bunch of bad dad new years jokes that leave everyone wishing they’d chosen a different party.
Here are 16 bad new years dad jokes:
280. What’s the Problem with Jogging on New Year’s Eve? The ice falls out of your drink!
281. What Happened to the Irish Man Who Thought about the Evils of Drinking in the New Year? He gave up thinking.
282. My new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
The power of positive drinking.
283. What’s the forecast for New Year’s Eve? A: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
284. What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve? A: I haven’t seen you for a year!
285. What do you say to a cat on December 31? Happy Mew Year!
286. How do you know you’ve found the New Year’s Eve party? Look for the Auld Lang Sign!
Should auld places be forgot…
287. On New Year’s Eve, we shall be feeling no pain – except, of course, for the champagne.
288. Did you hear that Dracula passed out at midnight on New Year’s Eve? There was a count down!
289. Why did the couple get married at midnight on December 31? They wanted to ring in the new year!
290. Where do chefs go to celebrate New Year’s Eve? Thyme’s Square!
That’s an oregano joke.
291. New Year’s Eve is the only time I have a bubbly personality.
293. Did you know that on New Year’s Eve, even the fireworks made a resolution? They want to stop smoking!
294. Let’s celebrate New Year’s Eve by making many pour decisions.
295. Celebrating New Year’s Eve has lots of pros, but what’s the biggest con? The con-fetti!
Dads are nerds. It’s the nerdiest job you ever take on, and it kills any cool you had left in you. But, hey, on the plus side, you get to enjoy these bad dad nerd jokes. So, great call?
Here are 18 bad nerd dad jokes:
296. Q: What goes up when the rain comes down? A: An umbrella.
297. Q: Why did the belt go to jail? A: Because it held up a pair of pants!
A strapping good joke.
298. Q: What happens if life gives you melons? A: You’re dyslexic
299. Why Can’t You Trust Atoms? They make up everything.
300. I Have a New Theory on Inertia But it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.
301. Did You Know There’s a Band Called 1023MB. They’re not bad, but they haven’t had any gigs yet.
I hear they’re mega, though.
302. Where Does Bad Light End Up? In prism.
303. Parallel Lines Have So Much in Common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
304. What is a cation afraid of? Dogions.
305. Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 = Dec 25.
306. Why did the bear dissolve in water? It was polar.
307. Why did I divide Sin by Tan? Just Cos.
Your calculator gets it.
308. What do you call an educated tube? A graduated cylinder.
309. Have you heard about the sick chemist? If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you’ll probably have to barium.
This joke is solid aurum.
310. What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? Beer.
311. My teacher said to me, “Name two pronouns.” I said, “Who, me?”
312. A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.
313. Anyone know any jokes about sodium? A: Na
Look, you’re already a bit of a turkey, so why not just wing this Thanksgiving and really indulge your inner dad jokester with these unforgivable thanksgiving jokes. Your family will be grateful to finally get away.
Here are 16 bad Thanksgiving dad jokes:
314. My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I told them I couldn’t just quit “cold turkey.”
Based on what I’ve seen, you’re right.
315. Thanksgiving is the only holiday where you eat the mascot.
316. Q: What do you call a stuffed animal?
317. Q: If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
318. Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Delicious, delicious math…
319. Q: What happens when you’re too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
320. How did they send the turkey through the mail?
A: Bird class!
They’d send it airmail, but turkeys don’t fly well.
321. What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
322. Who isn’t hungry on Thanksgiving?
A: The turkey, because he’s already stuffed!
323. Who was the drummer in the Thanksgiving band?
A: The turkey, because he had the drumsticks!
324. What type of key is not good for opening doors?
A: A Tur-key!
325. What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The G
326. What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!
They really could have used being kept under his wing.
327. Why did Johnny get such low grades after Thanksgiving? Because everything is marked down after the holidays.
328. What kind of vegetable would you like on thanksgiving? Beets me!
Well, that solves that pickle.
329. What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
How are sharks like dad jokes? They both sink and everyone would really rather avoid them. But hey, when you tell bad dad shark jokes, at least you know someone will be grinning…Jaws.
Here are 17 bad shark dad jokes:
330. What do sharks say when something cool happens? Jawesome!
331. What did the shark say after eating a clown fish? This tastes a little funny!
This joke’s got a bit of a bite to it.
332. What’s a shark’s favorite movie? Shawshark Redemption
333. What’s a shark’s favorite bible story? Noah’s Shark.
334. Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef? To get to the other tide.
The punchline is almost…unbe-reef-able.
335. The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark. The joke’s wearing fin.
336. The star attraction at my local aquarium has been repossessed. Turns out it was a loan shark.
337. What do you call the mushy stuff between a great white shark’s teeth? Slow swimmers.
338. What kind of shark is always gambling? A card shark.
339. How did the hammerhead do on his test? He nailed it.
I had a sinking feeling he’d get a C.
340. What do yuppie sharks like to drink?… Jaw-va.
341. What was the marine biologist’s kid’s excuse for not having his homework?… “My shark ate it!”
342. What should you do if you see a shark?… Swim far, far away!
343. How did the shark plead in it’s murder trial? Not gill-ty.
344. What do sharks order at McDonalds? A quarter flounder.
Sounds a bit fishy to me.
345. Where do sharks go on vacation? Fin-land.
346. How does a shark greet a fish? Pleased to eat you.
You’ve got an oyster of bad dad jokes here, but how can you be sure you don’t clam up and flub the delivery? Just follow these four steps to ensure you get all the best—and worst—reactions to your terrible sense of humor!
Here is how to use bad dad jokes:
1. Choose the joke that fits the event
We’ve got bad dad jokes for every occasion. So, use that to your advantage. Pick jokes that fit the moment, so that the jokes are topical.
2. Practice your punchline
The key to bad dad joke success is to make sure you deliver the punchline well. You want to make sure everyone picks up on your play on words. So, practice a few times to make sure you get it right when you need to.
3. Lean into the groan
You don’t tell bad dad jokes to get hysterical laughter, you tell them to get a groan and a laugh people are ashamed of. Lean into that. Be ready to embarrass yourself to get the joke right.
4. Bring back ups
Whether your joke plays well and people want more, or it fails and you need another to rescue yourself, always have a few extra bad ad jokes on hand.
Downloadable List of Bad Dad Jokes
Here is a downloadable list of Bad Dad Jokes. (right click the image and select Save Image As..):
More Awesome Jokes To Tell
The jokes don’t stop once you’ve run out of bad dad jokes. We’ve got jokes for all occasions.
Just check these out:
- These math jokes really add up.
- In partisan times, these political jokes can really bring us all together!
- No chemistry in this conversation? Try throwing some science jokes into the mix.
- For the distracted audience, keep it short with these best one liner jokes.
- We live our lives on the screen, so these computer jokes are always topical!
There’s a lot of great things about being a dad, but once you get beyond the kids, one of the best benefits is having full access to all the dad jokes out there. These lovely bad jokes are terrible, sure, but those are the most fun to tell.
We’ve put together some of the best bad dad jokes out there. These jokes are what it’s all about: the fun is in knowing you’ve got an awful punchline and really relishing letting it lose.
So, dads and dads-to-be-someday, pick through your favorite bad dad jokes above, prepare for some groans, and laugh away.